Problematic

a sense of heaviness in my heart for someone i hold dearly.
i somehow feel that i’m at crossroads as well.
the advice that i gave her was based on wad i would do if i were in her shoes. from my own point of view.
but it’s not the “true-christian-advice” kinda advice that i’m supposed to be giving.
its more like based on my own feeling, what-i-think-is-right, screw-what-the-others-think kinda advice lols.
i tried to tell myself that i have to be a good role model for her sake, but i just couldn’t. DANG IT! how i felt about the situation personally just overrided the duty to be a good role model. so i went blurting out my crappy but still wise advice. (:

but ultimately this question came up to me again: will i submit to my leaders wholeheartedly, without any hesitation, without any misgivings (to the extent of submitting blindly).
OR will i submit to my leaders smartly, based on what i think is right. submitting only if it does not compromise on my own set of beliefs and rights.
haiz. i still dunno man.
the Christian side of me is telling me the former.
but my heart (yes my heart) and the stubbornness in me is telling me the latter.
i have always been super headstrong and a faithful believer of being true to your own heart. and having no regrets. but i realise all this while i have always been so self-centered and selfish.
it has always been ME ME ME, never about God. it’s always about follow my heart, follow my feelings. never for the sake of servanthood. heck, even this blog is all about me ._.
take for an example today’s service w/ pastor kong. he mention that we must honour our dignity. E.g. be ZAI haha! but seriously, he mentioned about ppl being crude, ppl using all those Ss and the Bs. they are not dignified, just trying to act macho and cool. When he said that, i was feeling super guilty lar! (not about the cool and macho part pls .__.) personally, saying the S word for me is like saying ouch when injured. so normal =X i cant even count the no. of Fs and Bs i say everyday.
and after PK said that sentence, i told myself i needed to change at least my F and B language. but when kok showed me this dam gay video during fellowship, i happily said the wtf word. And brendan heard it. oh mans.
ok my point is that: if I really regarded PK’s msg and for the sake of servanthood, i would make a more decent effort in changing my crude language and think be4 i talked...
oh wells, so much about changing.

OH NOOOOs!
i have a problem with authority as well man.
was talking to mel lim when walking towards the 159 bus stop.
he said what would happen if he was to become my usher team/section leader.
den i really dunno wad to say man!
my 1st reaction was jialat! how to submit to a 3yrs younger-den-me ldr [no offense ya mel if u’re seeing this (; ]
omg how how how? but i admit it’s an ego problem lar. been having it since young. my headstrong character too =X

ok on a happier note,
my eyelashes are starting to drop! As in 4 strands at once. #!@$#$^&%$#@
i cant w/o live my eyelashes!!! its like being botak =X except botak got beijing 101, but eyelashes don’t have =(
ok i shall stop being so superficial le hahas
I’m so not putting eyeliner anymore and mascara. Dang dang!